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She’s BACK!!!

Back again!

My journey took a small hiatus (read: over a month or two) but I’m back!  I got a little detoured after dealing with the loss of my brother and all that comes with that.  Then I found other ways to be busy.  Then I felt like the weight was starting to increase so I had to buckle down.

Tiara Lanice is back! That’s what matters.  I do not quit.  Even if I disappear from the workout world.  In that time, my journey has changed a little.  I’m on a journey to a healthier me, but I’m not just on a physical journey.  I want an all around better me and in my absence, I’ve been interviewing for jobs in law offices and and AND…applying to law school!!  Yes, I have picked my #1 and will submit my early decision application – as soon as I stop procrastinating.  Mental and Physical.  Two journeys in one.

I don’t remember if I said it or not but, I want to thank whoever made a donation towards the arrangements for my brother.  I received a donation from a very kind person (thank you) and realized he isn’t someone I know personally.  So if you are a follower here, thank you so much.  Ever dollar helped somehow.

So back to the workout:

Today Me and the workout buddy did arms and cardio.  Actually, he did arms and cardio.  I just did arms.  The plan was to do arms, abs, and cardio.  That changed to arms and abs in the morning then cardio in the evening…I never got around to the last two parts.  No, it wasn’t laziness, I just didn’t manage my time too well.

Tomorrow is something else.  I think back and chest.  We shall see.

I’ve been gone for a minute

…Now I’m back again. Hello blogosphere! Life is getting back to normal and I get to go back to doing things like I used to. I will admit I fell waaaay off the healthy wagon. I will WILL get back on.

Here’s the thing, when life happens its so easy to lose focus and lose passion. But it is in those moments when continuing is most important. I only wish I had done that – kept focused and maintaining my passion. It may have been what I needed.

But I also needed some me time. So what’s been going on? I’ve been putting extra time in my social media management company. I have a new client in Long Beach. And yes they have kept me busy.

Thing to remember: NEVER ever be to busy for yourself and your health. That’s where I faltered. Don’t you do it to. But it’s a journey and no one ever said journeys were straight forward and without obstacles! I had to take a detour on mine and in doing that take an extended scenic tour of life.

I’m back. I plan to stay back and I hope that you are back with me.

The Strong One

The Strong One

It’s been maybe about a week since I’ve updated you all.  There have been a lot of things (really one huge thing plus other smaller things) that have been keeping me a bit preoccupied.  And I’ve let those things distract me and get me off track.  It’s not horrible that I strayed but, hm.

Some people will say that when things come up, exercising will make you feel better.  AND THEY ARE RIGHT! Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you feel good.  But at this point, I don’t actually want to feel better.  I want to wallow and sulk and be gloomy…but life won’t allow that.

Here’s what’s going on:  A close family member, my brother, is dying…quickly yet slowly.  I’m sure if he knew I announced this, especially over the web, he’d be pissed but, what he’s starting to understand is that his sickness doesn’t affect just him.  Sickness? AIDs.  He’s had it for several years now and within the last year and a half it just caught up and started kicking his ass, almost out of nowhere.  The fact is he’s not going to be with us much longer.  I say it matter-of-factly because it is a matter of fact.  There’s no more denying, ignoring, psyching ourselves out, (hoping the government will release the cure in time).

I went to see him yesterday after not having seen him in a week.  He. Was. Not. My. Brother.  He was someone else.  A shell.  He was somewhere in there and I could tell.  When I arrived his eyes were closed. I called his name; he didn’t respond.  I touched his hand, he half opened his eyes but couldn’t talk.  NO ONE TOLD ME THIS! I was expecting him to wave, to say, “hey sis”, something.  No one told me how bad it was – and for this I’m kind of angry.  I didn’t have a chance to try to prepare myself and had to keep the brave face the entire time I was with him.

He was in there.  He was not there.

A friend told me last night, “stay strong, mama.”  I shook my head no.  I’m tired of being the strong one.  The “strong one” is the one people turn to, but never has anyone to lean on.  The “strong one” has all the answers and knows what to do.  I don’t!  And I want someone to turn to.  I want to be able to breakdown and lose it and have someone be my rock.  But right now, I can’t.  I have to be the strong one.  I have to make sure my brother sees that I will be okay.  Not to feel guilty. Not to feel like he ruined anything.

I have to make sure he knows that he is still loved and that even though I am “THISabled” I will still try to do whatever I can.  He needs to know, or at least see, that I’m there.  That’s what my aunt told me.  She’s been through this before – with my mother.  My mother died from AIDS-related complications.

No one dies from AIDS.  They die from the complications that AIDS made possible.

My aunt said just be there. Talk. Play music. Read. Hold his hand. Make sure he knows…and so, he will know.

I feel horrible because I wonder how long it will take for him to “go”.  This week? Next? Next month?  See, he can’t eat, can’t drink, isn’t getting any real nutrition.  So will his complication be that? Will it be a slow death because of starvation? Dehydration?  That’s HORRIBLE! And I shouldn’t think about it, but I can’t help it.  I need to know how he feels, what he’s feeling and he can’t tell me.

When this is done.  I won’t have to be the strong one.  I can hide in my corner and

Break

Down

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